Not all rapists are demented crazy criminals. Some are workmates in suits, a friend, the boss or the uncle who likes you so much. Here is how to spot a rapist.
Initially this piece was supposed to focus on how girls (college and post-college girls) can avoid being raped: How to behave, dress, and interact with these rapey men (yes that is my word for them) to prevent the horrible from happening to us. I won’t write about that.
How to be an unrapeable woman has been drilled into us by our parents and teachers and counselors since we were kids: Do not drink with strangers, do not drink too much, be careful with that caretaker or watchman at home, be wary of the weird uncle or stepfather who asks you to sit on his lap or keeps staring at our boobs, go for self-defense classes… the list goes on and on.
Any lady can recite for you this list off the top of their head like they are answering exam questions, all the way down to how long the dress should be for it to be decent and not sexually provocative. So, women have obeyed the rules, conformed, and changed who they are in order to be less sexy or less rapeable. It is all shit. All nonsense… The problem is not the women; it is the men who rape us.
It is clear that all along we have been addressing the wrong audience; we tell girls how to behave to avoid being raped instead telling rapists to stop raping these girls. We know men who encourage rapey behavior amongst their friends or even their siblings, but we never call them out. Or bosses and work colleagues who are handsy and grope ‘accidentally’ all year; but we don’t put them on the spot.
Now, ladies, can we talk about what to look out for, the warnings in behavior and speech that clearly show you that your friend or brother, or boyfriend, or boss, or cousin or classmate is a rapist in a suit. The signs that you might be dealing with a rapist. And by the way, I am not doing this so you can allow them to change…No. I am doing this so you can get the hell out of there, report the pervert to the police or if you feel like a being a charitable Christian, call them out so publicly and so comprehensively that there won’t be any frying pan on earth that will be as hot as their face when the shame sets in.
- Sexual entitlement.
Someone told me once that rape is rarely about sex. Most times it’s about power. This man might not even find you attractive (take an example of those who assault babies, do you really think they are attracted to a one-month old baby?)
Sexual entitlement is all about a man thinking because he did something for you, or because he is your boss; he is entitled to fuck you or touch you inappropriately how he wants. After all, there is no where you can take him.
If you are in college, you are likely to encounter those lecturers who refuse to give you good grades unless you fuck them or give them head.
They know they have the power, and if they feel you are not recognizing that power; they will take away yours by taking the most valuable thing to you and hurting you where it hits the most; with sex.
- Unwanted Touching.
This can occur in very many scenarios and the worst part is, it usually occurs with those we consider friends.
You might be out drinking with a couple of your friends, some of them male. And you are seated next to this friend, a guy you frequently talk to, make jokes with, just basically interact with. Then you feel his hand on your ass. At first, you excuse him, remove his hands and politely tell him to stop doing that.
Few minutes later the hands are back, and they are travelling and you keep pushing them away and he keeps on putting them back. You are angry, you feel violated but at the same time this is your friend, this is Trevor; he does not mean it.
So you exchange seats with another friend and justify his actions.
But imagine, if he can do that to you, a person he considers a friend; what can he do to a random girl he met in the club?
Do not excuse his behavior, hata kama nikuleta drama, leta. He has to know he just can’t touch a girl without her permission.
This applies to man who insists on getting his way despite knowing that is not what the other person wants.
Of course this man can just be a narcissistic asshole and not a rapist at all but if it happens in the bedroom; if this guy while you having sex, you tell him to stop because it’s painful for you and he doesn’t stop because well, he just has to finish; that can be rapey behavior right there.
We all know when a woman says STOP you should STOP.
- Sending unwanted naked /dick pics for you online and sending rape-threatening texts.
Nudes and sexting are a part of the society now. They are a form of online flirting. And I hold nothing against it. But when you start receiving random dick pics and really sexual online messages from a random person; it can feel pretty violating. What would such a man, who has no respect of your privacy, do to you when you are alone with him?
- Using rapey-words and rapey language.
Have you ever been hooking up with a guy and maybe you are not responsive enough coz well, you are just not that turned on so he stops but then tells you, ‘Wewe siku moja nitakulewesha and the I will rape you?’ Then he laughs? Beware of such men.
- Coercive Paraphilia.
A man who has coercive paraphilia is one who when his partner is showing signs of resisting or abhorring sexual encounters, they get really turned on. He basically thrives on being resisted. Such men will seek out non-consenting partners even when they have a spouse or partner at home. Consensual sex does not just interest them.
Of course these are all the signs on how to identify rapey behavior. Sometimes it can be the nicest guy who has not shown any of rapey signs before.
And truth is, us women are a tiny bit to blame for these kind of behavior. We notice these signs in our partners, in the people we hook up with; we notice them and we do not tell them. Rather we excuse them because there is no way they can be such monsters; it was one time; we tell ourselves. And he is a man, he knows best when it comes to the bedroom.
So they go around, doing this other women.